This is a post about judgement - self judgement and judgement from others. It’s about the stories we have about who is deemed to be worthy of using a title. It’s about our personal stories around worthiness and our cultural stories.
And it’s short - because I have two assignments due and so I can’t wax as lyrically about this topic as I would like to …. but that may be a good thing.
So the other week* my lovely friend - let’s call her Denise** - rocked up to ask me a knitting question, as she does from time to time. Now over the years she has knitted quite a few garments. A couple of sweaters, a cardigan for her kid and a few cowls. Knitted them from the start to the finish. And so we had a conversation we have had many times as she said those famous words to me yet again… “well y’know, I’m just not a knitter”.
…. and yet again my blood fizzed and my eyes constricted and I debated whether any of this blogging malarkey was worthwhile because if I can’t even get through to a woman I’ve known for over a decade then what good am I doing in the world….
but then I took a deep breath and rather than get involved in my self-flagellation I tried again, and this is what I said.
You don’t need to be good. You can be crap at a thing and still be that thing. Because it doesn’t matter how good you are. What matters is that you are doing the thing. We need to do the verb to be the noun. That is all it takes.
We simply need to knit to be a knitter. To walk to be a walker. To run to be a runner. To sing to be a singer. To cook to be a cook. To drive to be a driver. To climb a mountain to be a mountain climber. That is all it takes.
That is all it takes to claim the label. To be doing the thing.
This is not a video game. There are prescribed levels to achieve.
It doesn’t matter how slowly you climb the mountain. To be a mountain climber you just need to be climbing mountains. All that it takes to claim the label is to be doing the thing.
And yet we don’t. I have people telling me that they aren’t knitters all the time. Not really. Not real knitters…. like me.
What does that even mean?
Because here is the thing - by not claiming the label we don’t step into the identity. And if we don’t see ourselves as worthy of being called the thing we are, we spend our time rolling around in the doubt that we aren’t the very thing we are. It is a head fuck that screws with us by focusing our attention on the parts of the skill that we haven’t yet attempted, rather than focusing our attention on the parts of the skill that we have achieved.
By not claiming the title we are wrongly focused on our deficits rather than our achievements - and that is not a nurturing, open, expansive, or loving place to sit.
By not claiming the title, and by not seeing ourselves as the thing that we do, we don’t see the world available to us. When we see a new pattern we like the look of, we don’t think - oh I wonder how they did that or I wonder what skills I might need to learn to be able to do that. Instead we think I’m not a XYZ. We don’t even consider it as an option for us.
Would you tell her she wasn’t a knitter simply because her skills (at this point) are fairly rudimentary? She is a knitter because she knits. Let’s be that generous with ourselves. x
And what is the fear that is behind us not claiming the label?
I suspect that part of the problem is the hyper-critical judgemental culture that we live in. We have been taught through various psychological movements to be reliant on praise and self-esteem. We have been brought up to examine and pick apart the works of others, and by doing so limit ourselves by imagining presumptive criticism that hasn’t occurred, and may not ever. We are continually judging other people’s work (and our own) as worthy, or not, in this age of clicks and likes. And all the judging we do then seeps into how we see ourselves.
And of course for many of us, part of it is our social conditioning as women.*** I remember many years ago at work, hearing a group of women disparage a new woman who had just started by saying “but she’s just sooo confident”. As if that was a bad thing…. makes me cross just thinking about it. The idea that it was bad that as women we would choose to own our confidence. Or our ability. Imagine a world where we did that…
I suspect that part of the problem of claiming the title, is a fear of being judged as wanting, not good enough. Of taking up space in a room we aren’t entitled to be in.
But we are. We are worthy because we exist and we engage. We don’t need to be enough. We simply need to be.
As always I’m not immune to this nonsense conditioning. It took me years to call myself a writer, even though I write. Often. I didn’t believe I qualified because I hadn’t studied it, am self-taught, only wrote a blog, blah blah … blah blah. But I am. A writer. Because. I. Write.
You are a crafter because you craft. A knitter because you knit. A sewer because you sew (yes even those of you who only sew pillowcases). A quilter because you quilt. An embroiderer because you embroider.
We need to train ourselves - and this takes time and energy and ongoing practice - to remember that we are worthy exactly as we are, just because we are.
Claim the title. Sit in gratitude and in acknowledgement of all you know so far and trust that the rest will come. Take up some space and be part of what it is to be a knitter - a space that is expansive enough to include beginners and masters.
By claiming the title for yourself you allow others who feel the same to also claim their spot at the table without feeling like they need to be any good. And isn’t that a magical thing.
Do you struggle with this?
In solidarity and joy.
Felicia x
*just prior to lockdown
**names changed to protect the ….
*** My favourite, incredibly accessible and funny book on this is The Guilty Feminist. Or if you don’t have the book then just listen to the podcast - it’s free and they touch on this a lot if you hoon through the back catalog! Another highly regarded book along similar lines is Jamila Rizvi’s book Not Just Lucky - which is on my reading list.
