I've hesitated writing about this idea, but as I've been wondering about it over the last year or so, I think I should air it. The hesitation was simply because talking about the physical realities of our weight and fitness are tricky topics - sometimes leading to blame or shame - but this isn't that. This is simply my experience, and as I try to be truthful in this space, and this idea keeps coming up for me, so onward we go.
What I've been wondering about is whether part of why I want/need to stay fit is to damp down desire and restrict my consumerism. "Huh?" I hear you say.
Here's the thing. When I weigh more than I normally do - and by that I only mean 3-5kg (6-10pounds) then many of my clothes don't fit. My jeans don't fit. My skirts with waists don't fit and so to avoid being uncomfortable and awkward I start wearing my comfy trousers. Comfy trousers every day. Comfy trousers that don't make me feel good. When I go to my wardrobe each morning I find that my options shrink as I find myself avoiding clothes that feel tight - as you do.
This was my reality six months ago. I put on a little weight and for a variety of reasons it didn't shift like it normally would (not enough exercise and not enough motivation to cut the crap out of my pretty healthy diet). The result was a wardrobe full of clothes that I love but that weren't making me feel good because they didn't fit.
So instead of simply being able to wear my clothes, I start wanting. Wanting new things. Shiny things. I want to go shopping - but when I'm there end up feeling crappy - so instead I started making, or wanting to make, at an increased pace. The increased desire to make to fill an unmet desire to feel good or "like me" in my clothes. The thought process is "these clothes aren't doing it so I will go find some that do".
Increased weight = increased desire for new = increased consumption.
Being over my "normal weight" means I don't have the gratitude I normally would for the myriad options available to me as part of my handmade wardrobe, because my available wardrobe is literally half the size it normally is.
So what I've been wondering (which might be a bit wacky or alternatively is just bloody practical) is whether I have an increased responsibility - given my value system - to stay my normal clothes size, in order to dampen want, feel gratitude and decrease consumeristic desire. Is being conscious about staying my normal size part of a life where I am intentionally conscious about living many of my other values?
Any thoughts? Has this ever occurred to any of you?
I have a theory this one just might be me.... ;).